fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
