Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
