the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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