I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
