Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
