I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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