I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
