Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
