what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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