i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
