does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
