woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
