the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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