at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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