Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
