Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
