Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
