Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
