My hand turned me down
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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