I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
