Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
