You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
