if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
