you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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