My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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