I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
