thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
