I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
