Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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