I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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