he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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