I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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