I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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