I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
