My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I want is dick and wine.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
