Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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