You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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