First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
