No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
