PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
