you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
