Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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