I'm so fucking centered right now
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
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i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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