you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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