is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
