I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
