woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
