i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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