I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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