Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
