If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
