just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just google imaged poop.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
