It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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