after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
